I need a reason.

"..i need to go on. i need a reason. i need to believe. i need something, anything. i need some hope. and in the absence of hope, i need to stay in bed and feel like i might die today.



I promised myself I won't hurt myself anymore.

Writing heals me. It always did. Maybe I would have taken a creative writing course had I not crazily decided to choose this music course I've taken.

Healing - a long, long process of it. Physically and emotionally, I would need both - but with the latter, in greater deal of time and effort.
I was reading through articles earlier today about such readings and quotes and browsed around and found myself minimally just gazing through all of it. it's always never enough to find answers in just one place. I know that.


Almost half a year. It will take time. But i must too, learn and help myself. I must want it bad enough to gain it. to have the idea carved thoroughly inside my head and through me. so i could pick up myself and master myself once more. i must, want it.

but sometimes, what happens is like that feeling when you truly no longer want the food you've got but you got to shove it down your throat to finish it no matter how much you don't want it anymore. because it's a process, you must go through it even if you no longer want to. that, is the point where it becomes harder by the moment to deal with.

I've made my mistakes and caught myself in the guilt-zone already. had my times of insanity because of that never-ending regret, memories, talks and things that ran through, playing inside my head for weeks and months over and over again. but that shouldn't be.

a friend told me that no matter whose fault it was, love was always enough for forgiveness. and it would always matter more. that mature relationships overlooks who made a mistake. for it always is willing to forgive, give chance and love again.


i'm getting better; i'm getting at the hang of things, perhaps not halfway through, but it's a start, it's going through. i'm already at the procecss of it. i don't get over things easily, for all decisions i have made, i've thought thoroughly and measuringly. so it takes me time to let go. for i wonder which part, which side, which line and everything else, had i perhaps overlooked and mishandled that time to receive this loss.


we can't start over until we want to. i must, want it. i must, go back from the beginning. what was before long, before it all started. i read a meaningful article today. it advised: "go back. go back to what was before the pattern began. what had been long before. go back to the zone where it had been comfortable and peaceful. you lived through the years without what was lost, you're going to live again."


i can do this. i know i can do this. but i need time. i need to go on. i need something, anything. i need hope and in the absence of hope, i need to stay in bed and feel like i might die today. until the brighter star arrives.